As a child, I blamed myself for everything. I believed I was to blame for my father’s decision to leave my mother soon after my birth, and the financial struggles that followed us as a result. I convinced myself I was inherently and obviously flawed. I obsessed over how my words and actions would be perceived by others. Paralyzed by fear of judgement, I quickly developed anxiety about relationships, school and sports. As time went on I began to feel guilt for my behaviors or lack of action.
The self-perpetuating cycle of shame was in motion. Shame led to anxiety, which caused me to withdraw and feel guilty for my actions. Causing more shame. Rinse and repeat.
Addiction is commonly understood to be the result of a dependency to escape. Addicts numb themselves to pain. Not for me. I remained full of anxiety, threw temper tantrums, and was extremely fearful of people around me. Drugs and alcohol only served to distract me from the cycle of shame for a short period, but they also produced unbearable guilt. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t know how to stop.
Recovery only became possible when I realized that risking failure was better than living with shame and guilt. At 21, I finally had nothing. And nothing to lose. I was unemployed, suicidal and once again, found myself in jail. I realized taking action and not succeeding was better than living with the shame of inaction.
But sobriety didn’t cure the anxiety or the shame. In addition to my lifelong insecurities, I was now plagued by the very real judgments of my criminal actions resulting from my addictions. The thought of people learning about my past consumed me. I did not know how to separate what I had done from the sober, functioning person I was becoming.
I felt unworthy of a better life. I wasn’t comfortable sharing at 12-step meetings for fear of being judged. I stayed at the same job for 10 years, thinking I wasn’t qualified or capable of anything more fulfilling. The thought of a company running a background check stopped me from even looking for other opportunities.
Facing Shame For the First Time
When my marriage failed, I was forced to confront my shame head on. I sought council and advice from friends and let go of the thought of being labeled a failure. I openly admitted my mistakes which led to the demise of the marriage. It was empowering to say “This is my part, I’m not perfect but I’m moving on” instead of blaming the other party. As I became more vulnerable and embraced imperfection, the shame faded.
Instead of hiding, I chose to share my fears with others. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we allow others to be vulnerable. Together we break the cycle of shame. Breaking through shame allows us the freedom to be proud of who we are. We no longer feel the need to justify our character or conform to expectations. We can be at peace with our individuality and use our unique stories to empower others.
3 Steps to overcoming shame in recovery:
1. Forgive yourself
You are not your addiction. It is a part of you, but does not define you. We destroy the totality of who we are by defining ourselves by one word. If we allow ourselves to be defined by our past behaviors, as an addict, a “failure”, we deny ourselves and others to define us by our positive actions.
Forgiveness does not mean we forget our past, but a willingness to move forward. Look at the past and realize the strength it took to overcome addiction and be proud of who you have become. Forgiveness is knowing we don’t have to like the person we were, but we have the choice to mold who we want to become.
2. Rewrite your script
‘Journaling’ or whatever you prefer calling the act, commits thoughts to memory. When plagued with shame, this method allows us to read the self-defeating thoughts we tell ourselves everyday. Most thoughts racing through our minds are repetitive and a generalization of past experiences.
Humans have an average of 50,000 thoughts per day. Of those thoughts, 98% are repetitive thoughts from the previous day. To top that off, 80% are negative. If this is accurate, we have been telling ourselves the same stories without evidence to support what we are actually thinking. Negative thought patterns are a habit we create over time. Luckily, we can create a new pattern of thinking.
During moments of anxiety, write down whatever comes to mind. They will look scattered and messy, but these are your thoughts. Re-read and pay close attention to key words such as “can’t,” “never”, “should(n’t)” “always” and “everyone”. These words diminish our self-worth and disempower. The more you practice tracking your thoughts, you will see how these manifest in subtler terms.
This is not just a journaling exercise. A thought journal is a recognition of generalized, repetitive, self-defeating thoughts and replacing them with specific, new and truthful thoughts. The goal is to take action.
When you see your thoughts for what they are, question them. Flip the script. If you wrote “I’m not qualified…” instead list the skills and assets that you possess. If you wrote “I’m too old…” instead list the life experiences that make you more effective.
Note: The expectation is not to from 0-100, and start repeating some cheesy affirmations you don’t believe in your gut. Repeating to yourself “I AM QUALIFIED” does not bring to light your positive assets which you will use to combat shame when it rears it’s ugly head.
3. Challenge yourself weekly — and have fun with it.
This is a mini-bucket list. But instead of seeking big adventures, seek new opportunity. The more opportunity we have in our life, the more leverage we have to combat shame. Approach the activity with an open mind — ‘I just want to see what this feels like’ or ‘I’m curious’. If there is no end goal, there is nothing to lose.
Example: Calling an old friend which you haven’t spoken with years might seem petrifying. Past conversations swirl through your head. You think how strange it will be calling out of the blue. That you aren’t worthy of someone’s busy time. All these keep us from picking up the phone. To ease the pressure, remind yourself, you are calling to say hi and you are curious as to how your old friend is doing; that’s all.
Start small. Begin with more personal activities, then gradually challenge yourself. The more you challenge yourself the more uncomfortable it will feel. This is normal. Instead of running, embrace the changes and opportunity. As you get to know yourself more and realize your strengths, likes and dislikes, shame starts to fall way and recovery takes on a new meaning.